Networking, Self-Worth & Validation

I've had the pleasure of developing and delivering various networking trainings across the decade. The audiences have ranged from executives, interns, non-profit staff, political and professional organizations.

Of the more recent trainings I've led, I've noticed a unique shift from others in the past. There seems to be a greater need for external validation by the networker of the group they are networking with.

Common questions in the training include:

1. What's the best way to approach?

2. How do I come off as someone they really want to know?

3. What if they are not interested in what I do?

4. How do I talk about myself without coming off as I'm bragging?

Fear is a constant in everything we do and we really want to make sure that we're going to maximize our networking opportunities. Totally get that. What bothers me most about the above questions is that there seems to be a clear lack of self-worth and a need to get external validation in order to make the networking "successful."

Engagement in networking session is two things: transactional and emotional. Now, I'm not saying you have to cry with the everyone at a networking event (although to get that vulnerable with another that quickly would be a pretty cool feat), but you have to develop some level of emotional connection in order to start building trust in developing a long-lasting connection. It appears the focus tends to be on the transactional part of the relationship, i.e. common professional interests, how you can help me, how I can help you, quid pro quo, etc.

What I tell those in my training is that transactional will always take care of itself. When there is a mutual benefit professionally or in business, those things will develop and you can follow through on that whenever you want. The emotional connection of networking is where you should always focus on as it is the hardest and its all based on your ability to be vulnerable (which is a lot harder than it looks).

And there's the rub- to be vulnerable, to share one's self, is directly correlated with your personal self-esteem. I draw from Nathaniel Brandon's definition of self-esteem where self-esteem requires (1) self-efficacy - the belief that one has the ability to be able to make “it” happen in the world around them - and (2) self-respect - the belief that they actually deserve the “it” they desire.

So, that's great, but WTF does this mean?

Lets frame these concepts as beliefs in the context of networking:

1. I walk into a room and I believe in my uniqueness and desire to contribute in the world and seek to find others in the room that will be allies in my professional and/or personal journey. (Self-respect)

2. I have the social skills to develop relationships in the room. (Self-efficacy)

3. I believe I will maximize my opportunities at this networking event. (Self-esteem)

A bad example by comparison:

1. I hope I find someone in the room that I connect with so that they can help me in my career (poor self-efficacy).

2. I hope I'm not too awkward. (poor self-respect)

3. I hope that I’m able to hide my flaws effectively so that people will like me and I can help build my career. (weak self-esteem).

So, which one of the examples above would YOU rather be network with?

Right.

See the second set of beliefs and throw them out the window. Those questions relate to an individual seeking to manipulate a desired outcome. They, the people in the room, are not your focus. It's you, being you, having confidence in you, and the desire for something great that should be motivating you.

Are you open to the possibilities of meeting others that can help you on your transactional path?

What do you most emotionally connect with in your transactional desires?

What are the traits of the person you would like to meet to help you in your transactional needs?

How did you find the people that have helped you on your path today?

Illuminating awareness. Facilitating choice.

Social Comparison Theory and You

In 1954, Leon Festinger developed theories that are critically important today. In the social media era, your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc., is your avatar, i.e. branding, and who you are to the world. There are algorithms developed that (to the extent you are unaware) can tell you more than you know about yourself.

Social Comparison Theory explains how individuals evaluate their own opinions and abilities by comparing themselves to others in order to reduce uncertainty in social environments, and learn how to define the self. The defining of the self is correlated to the social environment of the individual and a desire to "fit in," gain accurate self-evaluation or validate their opinions from the environment around them.

Studies have shown that individuals only share the best of themselves in social media in efforts to provide the best possible self-presentation. Essentially, the golden rule for accumulating "likes."

Consider that expressions of emotion can manifest themselves in other ways for other people. Where one can be happy for someone's happiness, it can also manifest a feeling of discontent and/or unhappiness for their own current status in life in comparison to others, i.e. I wish I was on a beach right now like her/him, etc.

In social comparison theory, the environment of self-evaluation is critically important. Whereas I doubt Leon Festinger considered the advent of social media, many individuals spend a considerable amount of time on social media for basic information needs, i.e. news, family happenings, friends, events, etc. The threat of cyber-bullying and trolls also exists to create discomfort to views that are not aligned with others beliefs. Additionally, the things that people view tend to align with their existing worldview or a shared quality or belief. As stated by Festinger himself:

"A person does not tend to evaluate his opinions or his abilities by comparison with, others who are too divergent from himself. If some other person’s ability is too far from his own, either above or below, it is not possible to evaluate his own ability accurately by comparison with this other person. There is then a tendency not to make the comparison."

I posture that one maintain awareness of what they consider in their social environment and where they seek acceptance and validation from. In Festingers' time, social comparison theory was heavily correlated with proximity and defined by physical distance; essentially, the more proximate your social circle, the more influence they have on how you self-evaluate your beliefs/opinions. I don't think anyone ever considered that the social environment could actually be the world, be virtual and in the palm of your hand?

Consider that you are self-evaluating in comparing yourself to others.

What is the intention behind your self-evaluation? Is it an underlying insecurity? Is it for self-improvement and/or self-development?

How do you feel about yourself and the environment(s) you are comparing yourself to?

What is the delta between you and the environment(s) you are comparing yourself to?

Who impacts your self-evaluation? Your parents in a far away city/country? Your friends in your neighborhood? The smartphone in your hand?

Who do you want to impact your self-evaluation? Your parents in a City far away? Your friends in your neighborhood? The smartphone in your hand?

Illuminating Awareness. Facilitating Choice.